Christian McDaniel
In a Culture of Honor, conflict is inevitable and unavoidable.
When there is a conflict in a relationship, we can:
Ignore it
Accept it
Confront it
In a Culture of Honor, we value healthy relationships enough to engage in honorable confrontation.
Unresolved conflict rapidly erodes the safety and connection in relationships.
In a Culture of Honor, we
confront behavior that
threatens the health of the relationship.
There is a line between
healthy confrontation and unhealthy contention.
Proverbs 4:23-27 (NLT)
[ The Frame for Honorable Confrontation ]
Heart, Mouth, Eyes, Feet
(What, How, & Why)
[Heart]
(What): We humbly serve one another rather than abuse or manipulate.
(How): Confront your own heart before you confront someone’s behavior.
(Why): We value forgiveness and reconciliation more than retribution or condemnation.
Galatians 6:1 (MSG)
Proverbs 18:12
[Mouth]
(What): We lovingly speak the truth and eagerly listen with love to one another rather than trying to make a point.
(How): Listen to understand, not to respond.
(Why): We value love and truth more than getting our own way.
Proverbs 18:13 (God’s Word)
Proverbs 18:13 (TPT)
James 1:19-20 (NLT)
James 1:19-20 (TPT)
Ephesians 4:29-32 (MSG)
[Eyes]
(What): We purposefully see the value in one another rather than pointing out their faults.
(How): Distinguish the difference between the facts and your stories.
(Why): We value one another’s potential and needs more than just getting our own needs met.
I Thessalonians 5:15 (MSG)
[Feet]
Successful confrontation will always
strengthen relational connections.
Confrontation not only helps to identify
and resolve issues causing disconnection,
it enables people to love one another
more skillfully, which prevents future conflict and makes connections more conflict-resilient.
(What): We courageously step toward confronting one another with love rather than ignoring unhealthy behaviors or accepting disconnection.
(How): Confront the person’s behaviors, not the person’s motives or heart.
(Why): We value healthy relationships and genuine unity more than our feelings of comfort or artificial harmony.
Matthew 18:15-17, 21-22 (MSG)
[What]
- We humbly serve one another
- rather than abuse or manipulate
- We lovingly speak and eagerly listen to one another
- rather than making a point
- We purposefully see the value in one another
- rather than point out faults
- We courageously step toward one another in love
- rather than ignore or accept unhealthy behaviors
[How]
- Confront your own heart before you confront someone’s behavior.
- Listen to understand, not to respond.
- Distinguish the difference between facts and stories.
- Confront the person’s behaviors, not the person’s motives or heart.
[Why]
- We value forgiveness and reconciliation
- more than retribution or condemnation
- We value love and truth
- more than getting our own way
- We value meeting one another’s needs
- more than just getting ours met
- We value healthy relationships and genuine unity
- more than our feelings of comfort or artificial harmony
Embracing Accountability
Heart: Assume they are trying to serve you by confronting you. Stay humble and refuse to be offended at them, no matter what.
Mouth: Listen for what they’re trying to say, not necessarily the words they’re using. Listen attentively to their perspective, then speak the truth in love. Refuse the temptation to react defensively.
Eyes: Focus on the value of healthy relationships, not the uncomfortable feelings of confrontation. Notice their needs, not just fight to meet yours.
Feet: Respond with gratitude, and avoid reacting defensively. Refuse the temptation to drift toward disconnection.